I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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