Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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