ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
