so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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