i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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