chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
