R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
