grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
