There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
