there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
