yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am available for nakedness
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
