I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
