the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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