you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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