I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
