At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize