So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
