So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize