I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
