I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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