I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
