Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
