five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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