She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
