Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
