If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
