so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
