Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
