Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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