dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
