guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
