Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
