dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
