piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
