Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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