At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
