i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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