Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
