We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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