I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I deserve this hangover.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
