Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
