did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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