he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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