allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
