On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
