Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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