It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
