some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize