I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
