How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think my fart just growled at me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
