I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
