i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
