Sober January is a disaster.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
