I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize