Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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