She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
