if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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