Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
