so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize