somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
